Is That the Problem?

I brought my computer to work so that I could busy myself with writing over my lunch break.

Its day 3 of week 3 and I think I am doing pretty good. Still eating breakfast at home. I do think that I need to find new ideas for breakfast besides cereal and oatmeal. I think I could make some mini baked eggs or something to have it in fridge. Then I can just pull them out and heat them up for a great breakfast. I know that the South Beach Diet cookbook I have has some recipes like that. I will have to look into it.

I was going to write about that empty feeling I’ve had all week since I started really paying attention to what goes into my mouth. Anne over at Twelve-in-Twelve has recently been writing about owning her emotions and not using food as a cover up. I think I started to over eat when I was in high school when I was feeling inadequate, not good enough. And I just continued to eat through college, especially when my grades didn’t meet my expectations or when I disappointed someone. The strange thing is though that I never strived to do better. I just ate and forgot about it until the next time I didn’t succeed. I cruised through college, graduating with an average GPA and 25 pounds. I gained another 25 pounds after graduation. Sure I had a job because I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. The first couple of years at the job were stressful. There is a lot to learn about banking and I wasn’t the quickest to catch on. I was stressed and I needed food to cover up the emotions. I used stress as an excuse. The Subway, across the street, became my new best friend. I think the worst I was for going out to lunch was 4 times in a 5 day work week. Now I know there are worst things to eat but I was just eating too much.  I knew that had to change.

I knew I could walk into the restaurant and order just a six inch sub, and I did a couple of times, but only when I knew that I was going to have a larger dinner. It just became a habit. It probably still is a habit. How come the feeling of shame is ripping through my pores right now? I am downright ashamed of my actions. Maybe I’m more embarrassed by those actions? I guess I like to keep the face that I have things in control.

When I think about my lunch breaks, I often hide my overeating from my coworkers. I’m often in the breakroom alone which allows me to eat without thinking. If someone is in there with me, I will just eat what I have. If I get Subway and come back with a 12 inch sub, if someone is on break with me, I will actually only eat half of it because I don’t want them to judge me. I never thought I was one of those people that hid my binges because my husband usually knew about them. But come to think of it, I am one of those people. Its probably why I usually lose weight when I’m with my parents. I don’t want to binge in front of them.

So now that this week I am controlling what I am eating alone in the breakroom over my lunch period, I’ve been feeling empty, physically and emotionally. The cool thing is that I know of ways to alleviate the problem, it’s just hard to do at work when the feeling comes over me.

If I am physically empty, I could eat a healthy snack such as an apple or a yogurt. (I should have eaten something before I ran after work yesterday. I was so starving when I was done that I ate too much for dinner.) I think it’s the emotionally empty feeling that I need to overcome with some physical activity or some other sort of activity to take my mind off it. I don’t want to just forget about it but I need something to bring me out of that feeling. I said it’s the worst at work because I work the retail side of a bank and it’s not like I can just get up to leave the building to go for a walk. I also think I would like to find some new hobbies to work on or atleast I just need to pick up my camera and head outside when I need to overcome the emotions. Or maybe do something silly like get up to bust a move in my living room. Dancing is supposed to make me feel better right?

I’m supposed to be destroying dead ends right? I think this is just another dead end that I have…it’s not even a dead end but more of a high wall that I just need to climb over and the climb is hard.