Thursday, March 15, 2012

Epiphany!

I just found myself doing the strangest thing. Like I said the other night, I've been reading Women, Food and God. Well I really came to an epiphany today during my lunch period while I was reading it. I actually had such an issue putting the book down that I accidentally went over my lunch time by ten  minutes. I'm impressed with it. I will share more on that in the future.

Anyway, I did a little yard work and a little TV time. Around 9pm, I got up off the couch and went looking for the book, knowing well that I made a point of making sure I brought the book home. I looked everywhere: where I put my purse down, in the kitchen, the bedroom where I went to change out of my work clothes and into yard clothes, the car, and back up to the bedroom to check again, just in case. It wasn't anywhere! Ugh! I must have left it at work.

My first thought was that I hoped I didn't leave it on the counter where the cleaning people would surely take it (although I know it would still be there in the morning). My second thought was that I could drive the 10 minutes to the branch and the 10 minutes back to pick it up. But it was already ten after nine and by the time I got back it would be after 9:30 and why waste the gas when prices were so high.

My third thought was "This is stressing me out, I need something sugary". Really!!?? Where the hell did that come from!? I'll admit, I ignored the rational thoughts and went for the cupboard. There wasn't anything sugary in there! I spotted a bag of salad croutons that I swear only had crumbs left at the bottom. Somehow a craving for sugar changed into a craving for salt.  I ate one of those before I realized we had a bag of homemade Chex mix in in another cupboard. It took me about two handfuls of the snack mix before I realized what I was doing. I took another handful before I actually ripped the bag from my mind and put it back in its place. 

Was I really stress eating over a book? Am I crazy?! And over a book about losing weight! I knew it was something I had to write about. Women, Food and God talks about breathing and feeling my center, ie my belly. So here I sit, with my now full glass of ice water, feeling my belly from the inside out trying to focus. And it's working. I can't believe I would binge over something so trivial.

I need to take moments like this and recognize what I am doing. I don't want to eat so mindlessly and filled with emotion. I am going to treat my body with the respect it deserves. I have been put on this planet for a fraction of a relative moment in earth's history. I don't want to be so cliche and say my body is a vessel but I am going not be numb anymore.

I am emotional right now and I could just write about this for hours and write about how I am going to make these changes. I want to finish the book first. The book that put me here in the first place. I'm going to bed with my glass of ice water, happy and satisfied and I will write more later.

3 comments:

  1. I know I've harped on it before, but have you tried a 'trial' of Primal yet? I've been doing it 7 months now and I'm down 70lbs at this point - weigh less than my second year in high school and have no question in my mind for the first time in my adult life I'll get to a 'normal' weight and body - something I really thought was out of my reach. And its been easy... no witholding and I feel so much better. Anyways, I won't keep bugging you about it but I just thought I'd see if you hadn't tried it?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Glad that you're working through some of your issues with food. It sure is a struggle, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amy, I'm not sure how I missed this post, but I'm so delighted that you read the book. I'd love to hear what you thought about it in detail- it certainly helped me look at my relationship with food differently. Acknowledging that patterns in my life have an emotional cause made a great deal of sense to me. "Awareness" practices like the one you did (sitting there and feeling what the emotion felt like in your body) are so empowering. Sending lots of love.

    ReplyDelete