I just found myself doing the strangest thing. Like I said the other night, I've been reading Women, Food and God. Well I really came to an epiphany today during my lunch period while I was reading it. I actually had such an issue putting the book down that I accidentally went over my lunch time by ten minutes. I'm impressed with it. I will share more on that in the future.
Anyway, I did a little yard work and a little TV time. Around 9pm, I got up off the couch and went looking for the book, knowing well that I made a point of making sure I brought the book home. I looked everywhere: where I put my purse down, in the kitchen, the bedroom where I went to change out of my work clothes and into yard clothes, the car, and back up to the bedroom to check again, just in case. It wasn't anywhere! Ugh! I must have left it at work.
My first thought was that I hoped I didn't leave it on the counter where the cleaning people would surely take it (although I know it would still be there in the morning). My second thought was that I could drive the 10 minutes to the branch and the 10 minutes back to pick it up. But it was already ten after nine and by the time I got back it would be after 9:30 and why waste the gas when prices were so high.
My third thought was "This is stressing me out, I need something sugary". Really!!?? Where the hell did that come from!? I'll admit, I ignored the rational thoughts and went for the cupboard. There wasn't anything sugary in there! I spotted a bag of salad croutons that I swear only had crumbs left at the bottom. Somehow a craving for sugar changed into a craving for salt. I ate one of those before I realized we had a bag of homemade Chex mix in in another cupboard. It took me about two handfuls of the snack mix before I realized what I was doing. I took another handful before I actually ripped the bag from my mind and put it back in its place.
Was I really stress eating over a book? Am I crazy?! And over a book about losing weight! I knew it was something I had to write about. Women, Food and God talks about breathing and feeling my center, ie my belly. So here I sit, with my now full glass of ice water, feeling my belly from the inside out trying to focus. And it's working. I can't believe I would binge over something so trivial.
I need to take moments like this and recognize what I am doing. I don't want to eat so mindlessly and filled with emotion. I am going to treat my body with the respect it deserves. I have been put on this planet for a fraction of a relative moment in earth's history. I don't want to be so cliche and say my body is a vessel but I am going not be numb anymore.
I am emotional right now and I could just write about this for hours and write about how I am going to make these changes. I want to finish the book first. The book that put me here in the first place. I'm going to bed with my glass of ice water, happy and satisfied and I will write more later.