Boy I am tired and emotional. I'm feeling the effects of caffeine withdrawal and I think my body is starting to realize that it's not getting the amount of carbs I am used to. The cravings weren't as bad today as they were yesterday. So that is a good thing.
During a stressful day at work, I really began to realize how much I was actually using food to sooth myself and my nerves. After having a bunch of stuff laid on my plate at work and having a customer yell at me, all I wanted was a Snickers bar. There was one available. I felt the stress rippling through my veins. I wanted to scream. I wanted to go for a walk but there was an hour left of work and I wasn't really allowed to leave the building. So I sat there, talking to my coworkers, complaining about how much I wanted that stupid chocolate bar. I told them I would probably be less annoying in a week or so. I wanted to give in. This is how my thoughts were, all over the place!
Why, oh why, does food have such a hold on my emotions? How did I get this way? I think back to all the times I've used food to calm my nerves. The bottle of full sugar Mountain Dew mixed with handfuls of gummie bears before something stressful in college. I hated how my heart rate raced after eating all that sugar. I vowed to not do it again and yet, I did it again. On the other hand, the times I got physically ill because my nerves were that intense before each day of high school.
Today, because I didn't use food to sooth my nerves and my stress, I just let it run it's course. I felt that restlessness disappear by the time I left work but I was tired. Very very tired. I came home, sat down for just a few moments to watch the end of the news before my hubby came home. He made dinner. It's in the oven right now. And here I write, letting my emotions take a normal path.
Showing posts with label struggles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggles. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I Hope to be Back
I'm plunking out a really quick post this morning so I dont cause myself to be late for work.
I don't feel good. I've let myself go. I've lost focus. My jeans are getting tighter again....I've gained five pounds in a month and I sure can feel it! I'm not stupid. I know I've been eating more than I've been working out.
As I find that the hot summer months are coming to an end (not that this is really true as I look at the weather forecast for the next couple of days including a heat advisory for our area), I look forward to the cool crisp days of autumn that feel good on my skin and start out a little bit chilly. I look forward to the leaves changing and beautifying my yard. I look forward to freshness that spring often brings for most people. But really, the weather is not an excuse.
My real excuse, which isnt really an excuse but more just a reason, is that I've become lazy! Lazy in everything. Lazy in grocery shopping, lazy in preparing food for lunches and opting for going out for lunch instead, lazy in preparing for my upcoming IronGirl Du in less than four weeks, lazy in getting yard work done, lazy in keeping my house clean. Lazy, lazy, lazy and some more lazy.
As others in my blogging community are renewing their commitments to a healthy lifestyle, I've decided to do the same. I will be laying out a plan over the next day or so and be setting some goals and what steps i need to do to get to those goals.
Thanks
I don't feel good. I've let myself go. I've lost focus. My jeans are getting tighter again....I've gained five pounds in a month and I sure can feel it! I'm not stupid. I know I've been eating more than I've been working out.
As I find that the hot summer months are coming to an end (not that this is really true as I look at the weather forecast for the next couple of days including a heat advisory for our area), I look forward to the cool crisp days of autumn that feel good on my skin and start out a little bit chilly. I look forward to the leaves changing and beautifying my yard. I look forward to freshness that spring often brings for most people. But really, the weather is not an excuse.
My real excuse, which isnt really an excuse but more just a reason, is that I've become lazy! Lazy in everything. Lazy in grocery shopping, lazy in preparing food for lunches and opting for going out for lunch instead, lazy in preparing for my upcoming IronGirl Du in less than four weeks, lazy in getting yard work done, lazy in keeping my house clean. Lazy, lazy, lazy and some more lazy.
As others in my blogging community are renewing their commitments to a healthy lifestyle, I've decided to do the same. I will be laying out a plan over the next day or so and be setting some goals and what steps i need to do to get to those goals.
Thanks
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Terrible, Horrible, Not So Good Very Bad Week
How is that for a title? I've been thinking about doing this post most of the weekend but putting it off over and over. It's been a HORRIBLE week as far as half marathon training. Oh well, and taking care of myself in general. It amazes me how the things I do hour-to-hour each day affects me greatly. I guess I never really realized it until I started living a better life. That is, better from when I was depressed that one summer.
There were things I didn't do this week that I had been doing consistently since I committed to the Twin Cities Marathon. Everything happened like a chain reaction. So I'll start with the thing that compromised my whole week. I was getting to bed after midnight! I'm old. I usually go to bed around ten or ten-thirty. I was staying up way past that. I have a book series I got overly addicted to reading to blame for that. Its just that good. But I was staying up too late which caused me to sleep in. Which would usually be fine because I don't have to go into work really early.
I struggled to get through the day. I was exhausted. I never eat well when I'm tired. I was too lazy to go to the grocery store to stock the fridge. (I still need to do this). So most of my lunches were eaten out. Actually I think all of them were. Because I ate like crap for lunch, I was so lethargic by the time six rolled around, I had no energy to go to the gym or go for a run outside. There was one good day for running. I ran three miles on Wednesday while my husband rode his bike. I was worried about running fast enough for him to keep his feet off the ground. I found because he was there to push me and to chat with me, I actually ran faster. The weather was glorious on Wednesday night. I ran the first mile at an 11 min pace, the second at 11:30 and the third was a bit slower at 12:49 (but hey, it's all uphill that last mile). I was thankful he pushed me out the door that day.
After that Wednesday run, I didn't run the rest of the week. Work...the damn book, got in the way. Per the schedule, I was supposed to run 3-5-3-7 this week. Well, I only got the three completed for Wednesday and I struggled through four on Saturday. During that run on Saturday, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to do the 7 the following day. I had been contemplating moving my half marathon back a week. There is another race the following weekend in the Twin Cities that looked a little more...what could it be....a little more like a beginners race? I realized tonight while sitting down to dinner with Pat that I won't be able to do that. The Madison Symphony Orchestra is doing it's season finale with Gershwin. I could not miss this concert and was looking forward to it all year. So I couldn't let some fear of a 13.1 mile race take that away from me. I will be doing the Lake Minnetonka Half Marathon in two weeks even though I missed a whole week of training.
I'm scared. I'm feeling alot like my blogging friend Ann was feeling during her week 10 training for the Get in Gear Half coming up next weekend. GOODLUCK ANN!! I wish I could be there to cheer her on. I am completely apprehensive. After my 10k, I worry that the race will be horrible. I finished that race a ton slower than I expected. I fear being the last person to cross the finish line.
How to make up for last week? I have no idea. I don't want to work out extra to make up for it for fear of injuring myself. The plan this week calls for 3-6-3-12. Am I supposed to run that far the weekend before a race? If anyone can answer this, please let me know. The plan also doesnt give me any taper plan. Any ideas for that too? The following week says 3-6-3-race. Hmmmm.
I am going to read for an hour and then head to bed. I plan on getting up in the morning to log three miles. It starts with earlier to bed and then each day will be better. Tomorrow night, I plan to write about what I've learned since my 10k and how I hope to apply it to my half and hope it works better.
There were things I didn't do this week that I had been doing consistently since I committed to the Twin Cities Marathon. Everything happened like a chain reaction. So I'll start with the thing that compromised my whole week. I was getting to bed after midnight! I'm old. I usually go to bed around ten or ten-thirty. I was staying up way past that. I have a book series I got overly addicted to reading to blame for that. Its just that good. But I was staying up too late which caused me to sleep in. Which would usually be fine because I don't have to go into work really early.
I struggled to get through the day. I was exhausted. I never eat well when I'm tired. I was too lazy to go to the grocery store to stock the fridge. (I still need to do this). So most of my lunches were eaten out. Actually I think all of them were. Because I ate like crap for lunch, I was so lethargic by the time six rolled around, I had no energy to go to the gym or go for a run outside. There was one good day for running. I ran three miles on Wednesday while my husband rode his bike. I was worried about running fast enough for him to keep his feet off the ground. I found because he was there to push me and to chat with me, I actually ran faster. The weather was glorious on Wednesday night. I ran the first mile at an 11 min pace, the second at 11:30 and the third was a bit slower at 12:49 (but hey, it's all uphill that last mile). I was thankful he pushed me out the door that day.
After that Wednesday run, I didn't run the rest of the week. Work...the damn book, got in the way. Per the schedule, I was supposed to run 3-5-3-7 this week. Well, I only got the three completed for Wednesday and I struggled through four on Saturday. During that run on Saturday, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to do the 7 the following day. I had been contemplating moving my half marathon back a week. There is another race the following weekend in the Twin Cities that looked a little more...what could it be....a little more like a beginners race? I realized tonight while sitting down to dinner with Pat that I won't be able to do that. The Madison Symphony Orchestra is doing it's season finale with Gershwin. I could not miss this concert and was looking forward to it all year. So I couldn't let some fear of a 13.1 mile race take that away from me. I will be doing the Lake Minnetonka Half Marathon in two weeks even though I missed a whole week of training.
I'm scared. I'm feeling alot like my blogging friend Ann was feeling during her week 10 training for the Get in Gear Half coming up next weekend. GOODLUCK ANN!! I wish I could be there to cheer her on. I am completely apprehensive. After my 10k, I worry that the race will be horrible. I finished that race a ton slower than I expected. I fear being the last person to cross the finish line.
How to make up for last week? I have no idea. I don't want to work out extra to make up for it for fear of injuring myself. The plan this week calls for 3-6-3-12. Am I supposed to run that far the weekend before a race? If anyone can answer this, please let me know. The plan also doesnt give me any taper plan. Any ideas for that too? The following week says 3-6-3-race. Hmmmm.
I am going to read for an hour and then head to bed. I plan on getting up in the morning to log three miles. It starts with earlier to bed and then each day will be better. Tomorrow night, I plan to write about what I've learned since my 10k and how I hope to apply it to my half and hope it works better.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Weekend Long Run: 9 Miles
I was in the Twin Cities over last weekend for the Easter holiday. I haven't been up there since Christmas so I figured it was about time to see my family and friends. As far as marathon training, I had a 9 mile run scheduled for the weekend. My sister approached me about doing a run on Saturday. I told her about the nine miles. She was a little worried because she hadn't been running much since November. (She's completed 2 Ironman races, so I knew she had nothing to worry about.)
We laid low on Friday night. My friend Christina came all the way to Saint Paul from Plymouth for just a couple of hours of hanging out, chatting, enjoying a glass of wine, and watching The League reruns on tv (I love this show now). Knowing that I had a long run the next morning, I was not going to go party too hard. Us old people went to bed by 11pm.
I slept amazing on my sisters new bed in her spare room! Thanks for the great guest bed! Saturday morning was a little grey and dreary. Perfect running weather right? After checking the weather, I wasn't really sure what to wear. I couldn't really tell if it was going to rain or not so I ended up in running capris, a long sleeve shirt and a jacket. My sister gave me a goody bag of all sorts of fun stuff from REI. There were running socks and all sorts of Gu products. She was amazing and bought me a pair of compression socks! I was surely going to use these after my run!
We chose a route along the Mississippi just south of the University of Minnesota campus. For those of you from the metro area, we did a loop from Ford Parkway to North on W. River Parkway. Then across the river over the Franklin St bridge and south on E River Parkway. It started sprinkling pretty early into the run. I should have expected that. I've run in the rain before and I actually find it somewhat enjoyable, as long as its not pouring.
My sister was encouraging through the time we were hitting the pavement. She was sure we were running a 10min/mile pace, which I was sure we weren't doing. I have issues maintaining that, especially outside. I really just kept going though. I know I ran the first 3 miles without stopping to walk...I lie. We did stop to stretch after mile one. I felt pretty good until about 45 minutes into it. My sister was carrying water for both of us. She had some fancy powder mixed into the water. It was refreshing. She also was carrying some Gu Chomps to try out when we needed to refuel. They were delicious by the way and so much easier than the Gu Gel.
The last four miles were HARD! I was in a bad place mentally because I was frustrated at how tired I was feeling and how much I was slowing down. The rain wasn't helping me and I felt like I was holding my sister back. I was annoyed with how much I wanted to walk. It really took more urging by my sister and a few long moments of staring at the sky while I ran to get me past that moment of mental and physical block. It took maybe a mile worth of distance to get through it. And even then, when I got past that moment, I was still exhausted. I just wanted to stop and have someone come pick me up.
We walked one last time before running the last two miles. I figured at this point I should have fueled again or taken some more water. I'll give that a try this coming weekend on my 10 mile run. Ugh! These last two mileswere felt insanely slow even though they really were only about 30 seconds slower per mile than the beginning of my run. I still finished though. My sister let me walk the last quarter mile back to her house. It was all uphill. I am still thankful for her patience with me during this run.
I thought I would feel better on this run than I did. It worries me about whether or not I am going to be able to do 13.1 miles in less than 4 weeks. Everyone tells me I can do it so I'm going to keep chugging away at the mileage. I'll be doing the half marathon by myself. Boo!
I gave the compression socks a try after taking a shower. My legs were tight and sore but felt amazing the next day.
Like I said earlier, 10 mile run this weekend. Its supposed to be a rainy weekend again. I'll probably be taking the trail near my house in and out and back and I'll be running it alone. It will be interesting to see how my numbers look with such a distance and alone.
We laid low on Friday night. My friend Christina came all the way to Saint Paul from Plymouth for just a couple of hours of hanging out, chatting, enjoying a glass of wine, and watching The League reruns on tv (I love this show now). Knowing that I had a long run the next morning, I was not going to go party too hard. Us old people went to bed by 11pm.
I slept amazing on my sisters new bed in her spare room! Thanks for the great guest bed! Saturday morning was a little grey and dreary. Perfect running weather right? After checking the weather, I wasn't really sure what to wear. I couldn't really tell if it was going to rain or not so I ended up in running capris, a long sleeve shirt and a jacket. My sister gave me a goody bag of all sorts of fun stuff from REI. There were running socks and all sorts of Gu products. She was amazing and bought me a pair of compression socks! I was surely going to use these after my run!
We chose a route along the Mississippi just south of the University of Minnesota campus. For those of you from the metro area, we did a loop from Ford Parkway to North on W. River Parkway. Then across the river over the Franklin St bridge and south on E River Parkway. It started sprinkling pretty early into the run. I should have expected that. I've run in the rain before and I actually find it somewhat enjoyable, as long as its not pouring.
My sister was encouraging through the time we were hitting the pavement. She was sure we were running a 10min/mile pace, which I was sure we weren't doing. I have issues maintaining that, especially outside. I really just kept going though. I know I ran the first 3 miles without stopping to walk...I lie. We did stop to stretch after mile one. I felt pretty good until about 45 minutes into it. My sister was carrying water for both of us. She had some fancy powder mixed into the water. It was refreshing. She also was carrying some Gu Chomps to try out when we needed to refuel. They were delicious by the way and so much easier than the Gu Gel.
The last four miles were HARD! I was in a bad place mentally because I was frustrated at how tired I was feeling and how much I was slowing down. The rain wasn't helping me and I felt like I was holding my sister back. I was annoyed with how much I wanted to walk. It really took more urging by my sister and a few long moments of staring at the sky while I ran to get me past that moment of mental and physical block. It took maybe a mile worth of distance to get through it. And even then, when I got past that moment, I was still exhausted. I just wanted to stop and have someone come pick me up.
We walked one last time before running the last two miles. I figured at this point I should have fueled again or taken some more water. I'll give that a try this coming weekend on my 10 mile run. Ugh! These last two miles
I thought I would feel better on this run than I did. It worries me about whether or not I am going to be able to do 13.1 miles in less than 4 weeks. Everyone tells me I can do it so I'm going to keep chugging away at the mileage. I'll be doing the half marathon by myself. Boo!
I gave the compression socks a try after taking a shower. My legs were tight and sore but felt amazing the next day.
Like I said earlier, 10 mile run this weekend. Its supposed to be a rainy weekend again. I'll probably be taking the trail near my house in and out and back and I'll be running it alone. It will be interesting to see how my numbers look with such a distance and alone.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Epiphany!
I just found myself doing the strangest thing. Like I said the other night, I've been reading Women, Food and God. Well I really came to an epiphany today during my lunch period while I was reading it. I actually had such an issue putting the book down that I accidentally went over my lunch time by ten minutes. I'm impressed with it. I will share more on that in the future.
Anyway, I did a little yard work and a little TV time. Around 9pm, I got up off the couch and went looking for the book, knowing well that I made a point of making sure I brought the book home. I looked everywhere: where I put my purse down, in the kitchen, the bedroom where I went to change out of my work clothes and into yard clothes, the car, and back up to the bedroom to check again, just in case. It wasn't anywhere! Ugh! I must have left it at work.
My first thought was that I hoped I didn't leave it on the counter where the cleaning people would surely take it (although I know it would still be there in the morning). My second thought was that I could drive the 10 minutes to the branch and the 10 minutes back to pick it up. But it was already ten after nine and by the time I got back it would be after 9:30 and why waste the gas when prices were so high.
My third thought was "This is stressing me out, I need something sugary". Really!!?? Where the hell did that come from!? I'll admit, I ignored the rational thoughts and went for the cupboard. There wasn't anything sugary in there! I spotted a bag of salad croutons that I swear only had crumbs left at the bottom. Somehow a craving for sugar changed into a craving for salt. I ate one of those before I realized we had a bag of homemade Chex mix in in another cupboard. It took me about two handfuls of the snack mix before I realized what I was doing. I took another handful before I actually ripped the bag from my mind and put it back in its place.
Was I really stress eating over a book? Am I crazy?! And over a book about losing weight! I knew it was something I had to write about. Women, Food and God talks about breathing and feeling my center, ie my belly. So here I sit, with my now full glass of ice water, feeling my belly from the inside out trying to focus. And it's working. I can't believe I would binge over something so trivial.
I need to take moments like this and recognize what I am doing. I don't want to eat so mindlessly and filled with emotion. I am going to treat my body with the respect it deserves. I have been put on this planet for a fraction of a relative moment in earth's history. I don't want to be so cliche and say my body is a vessel but I am going not be numb anymore.
I am emotional right now and I could just write about this for hours and write about how I am going to make these changes. I want to finish the book first. The book that put me here in the first place. I'm going to bed with my glass of ice water, happy and satisfied and I will write more later.
Anyway, I did a little yard work and a little TV time. Around 9pm, I got up off the couch and went looking for the book, knowing well that I made a point of making sure I brought the book home. I looked everywhere: where I put my purse down, in the kitchen, the bedroom where I went to change out of my work clothes and into yard clothes, the car, and back up to the bedroom to check again, just in case. It wasn't anywhere! Ugh! I must have left it at work.
My first thought was that I hoped I didn't leave it on the counter where the cleaning people would surely take it (although I know it would still be there in the morning). My second thought was that I could drive the 10 minutes to the branch and the 10 minutes back to pick it up. But it was already ten after nine and by the time I got back it would be after 9:30 and why waste the gas when prices were so high.
My third thought was "This is stressing me out, I need something sugary". Really!!?? Where the hell did that come from!? I'll admit, I ignored the rational thoughts and went for the cupboard. There wasn't anything sugary in there! I spotted a bag of salad croutons that I swear only had crumbs left at the bottom. Somehow a craving for sugar changed into a craving for salt. I ate one of those before I realized we had a bag of homemade Chex mix in in another cupboard. It took me about two handfuls of the snack mix before I realized what I was doing. I took another handful before I actually ripped the bag from my mind and put it back in its place.
Was I really stress eating over a book? Am I crazy?! And over a book about losing weight! I knew it was something I had to write about. Women, Food and God talks about breathing and feeling my center, ie my belly. So here I sit, with my now full glass of ice water, feeling my belly from the inside out trying to focus. And it's working. I can't believe I would binge over something so trivial.
I need to take moments like this and recognize what I am doing. I don't want to eat so mindlessly and filled with emotion. I am going to treat my body with the respect it deserves. I have been put on this planet for a fraction of a relative moment in earth's history. I don't want to be so cliche and say my body is a vessel but I am going not be numb anymore.
I am emotional right now and I could just write about this for hours and write about how I am going to make these changes. I want to finish the book first. The book that put me here in the first place. I'm going to bed with my glass of ice water, happy and satisfied and I will write more later.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
One Foot Infront of the Other
I ran 7 miles today! It wasn't all running but only walked 2 minutes at a time and I finished 3.1 miles in my fastest time ever! So yea, it was a good run. I went into this run not doing a long run day in two weeks. Two weeks ago is when I did 6 miles and had horrible blisters from my old shoes. I was disappointed in my time that day so I was actually nervous about this weeks 7 mile run. Next weeks 8 miles is now scaring me but I will just have to get over it.
My training this week was lacking by one day of running but I did get some bike time in. My running time last week was sooo hard. I just wasn't feeling it at all. I was just putting one foot in front of the other. Do you have days where it's just hard to stay moving forward?
Todays run just wasnt like that. Today's run went really well. I ate a bagel about an hour before my run and just kept plodding away on the treadmill. I was super excited about getting 3.1 miles done fast and I was shocked when 6 miles this week was faster than it was two weeks ago. So yea, today was one of those good days that makes me think 13.1 miles isn't that far fetched.
My training this week was lacking by one day of running but I did get some bike time in. My running time last week was sooo hard. I just wasn't feeling it at all. I was just putting one foot in front of the other. Do you have days where it's just hard to stay moving forward?
Todays run just wasnt like that. Today's run went really well. I ate a bagel about an hour before my run and just kept plodding away on the treadmill. I was super excited about getting 3.1 miles done fast and I was shocked when 6 miles this week was faster than it was two weeks ago. So yea, today was one of those good days that makes me think 13.1 miles isn't that far fetched.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
What Doesn't Kill You...
My past few workouts at the gym have been rough! I had a long 10k run last weekend that I was able to finish although it was slow and there was a lot of run/walk/run and then walk some more. But I finished it. Well that run caused a nasty blister on the inside of my arch on my left foot. I was wearing my old running shoes for this one because I hadn't broken in my new shoes yet. So the blister wasnt totally unexpected. Since deciding a week or so ago to run a marathon in October, I had change up my workout training from a 10k training to a marathon training program. So I kinda just merged one into the other. My 10k race isn't for another month but I will be six weeks into marathon training. Anyway, that 10k run was on Sunday. I knew I needed to take atleast a day to recover and to let that blister heal. So I pulled on my running shoes on Tuesday morning before work and tried to get some mileage on the treadmill. I was scheduled for 3 miles but could only squeeze out barely two because, dang, my foot hurt. I knew it was time to buy new running socks.
I didn't run or do any sort of working out until Friday after work. I was disappointed in myself but I knew I just need to let my foot heal or else I was going to pay for it in the end. Thursday night I went to REI to pick up some running socks. The Smart Wool PhD socks were the ones that were recommended to me so I bought a couple of pairs. I wore them on Friday's 4 mile run and I dont think there was any additional irritation on my blister. It actually looks like it is healing really well. I need tougher feet!
Friday's run was hard! It was four miles, which isn't daunting anymore but I just knew it would be hard. It was the end of a long week. I decided to hit the gym after work, figuring it wouldn't be all that busy because it was a Friday. The place was packed and I was shocked! I found myself a treadmill, laced up my new shoes and hit start on my watch. As I was warming up, I happened to glance at the machine next to me. (Don't we all do this at some point to see how we compare?) The girl next to me had 10 miles logs on her machine although I'm sure she hadnt actually run those 10 miles because she kept jumping off the belt and then back on every thirty seconds or so. It was a little annoying but I was amazed that she was running at the clip she was.
After about a mile of my own running, my legs just hurt so bad! My calves were tight and my ankles weren't flexing like they were supposed to. It was a flash back to when I first started running, when my shin splits were so rough that I couldnt flex my legs. I didn't want to be back there. It was painful! So I slowed down to a walk and then stopped to stretch some. I felt better after that. While I was trying to loosen my muscles, I got to thinking about my eating this week and how crappy it had been. Could my food consumption be why I was feeling like so much crap? Probably. I starting thinking about the changes I needed to make as far as food.
I noticed it on Saturday during the Body Flow class I took that morning. I wasnt able to hold the posses as long and my muscles were shaking. Ugh! I hate that feeling! I was feeling especially weak.
I'm not sure if I am going to get my long run in this weekend. I was thinking about possibly just getting in a really long ride on the trainer, around 25-30 miles? It would feel so good. It's hard to look outside at the white and feel that arctic air and imagine warm days of cycling and running.
On my way home from the gym on Saturday morning, I heard this Kelly Clarkson song on my radio and I couldn't keep myself from dancing in my seat. I know that the song is about a boy, as it usually is, but I felt like it made my mood better for the day. And actually inspired me to sit down on my computer and type out a couple of entries. This is being added to my iPod running list and will be played over and over again.
I didn't run or do any sort of working out until Friday after work. I was disappointed in myself but I knew I just need to let my foot heal or else I was going to pay for it in the end. Thursday night I went to REI to pick up some running socks. The Smart Wool PhD socks were the ones that were recommended to me so I bought a couple of pairs. I wore them on Friday's 4 mile run and I dont think there was any additional irritation on my blister. It actually looks like it is healing really well. I need tougher feet!
Friday's run was hard! It was four miles, which isn't daunting anymore but I just knew it would be hard. It was the end of a long week. I decided to hit the gym after work, figuring it wouldn't be all that busy because it was a Friday. The place was packed and I was shocked! I found myself a treadmill, laced up my new shoes and hit start on my watch. As I was warming up, I happened to glance at the machine next to me. (Don't we all do this at some point to see how we compare?) The girl next to me had 10 miles logs on her machine although I'm sure she hadnt actually run those 10 miles because she kept jumping off the belt and then back on every thirty seconds or so. It was a little annoying but I was amazed that she was running at the clip she was.
After about a mile of my own running, my legs just hurt so bad! My calves were tight and my ankles weren't flexing like they were supposed to. It was a flash back to when I first started running, when my shin splits were so rough that I couldnt flex my legs. I didn't want to be back there. It was painful! So I slowed down to a walk and then stopped to stretch some. I felt better after that. While I was trying to loosen my muscles, I got to thinking about my eating this week and how crappy it had been. Could my food consumption be why I was feeling like so much crap? Probably. I starting thinking about the changes I needed to make as far as food.
I noticed it on Saturday during the Body Flow class I took that morning. I wasnt able to hold the posses as long and my muscles were shaking. Ugh! I hate that feeling! I was feeling especially weak.
I'm not sure if I am going to get my long run in this weekend. I was thinking about possibly just getting in a really long ride on the trainer, around 25-30 miles? It would feel so good. It's hard to look outside at the white and feel that arctic air and imagine warm days of cycling and running.
On my way home from the gym on Saturday morning, I heard this Kelly Clarkson song on my radio and I couldn't keep myself from dancing in my seat. I know that the song is about a boy, as it usually is, but I felt like it made my mood better for the day. And actually inspired me to sit down on my computer and type out a couple of entries. This is being added to my iPod running list and will be played over and over again.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Discovery: Emotional Eating
I was lucky enough this last week to get that cold that's been making its rounds through the area. I had been taking Zicam in the past weeks to avoid this cold at all possible but I decided I should just let the sickness come and so I stopped with the Zicam. Last week was a hard week to be sick.
A couple of weeks ago I applied for a promotion at the company I work with. I knew an interview was coming but I had no idea I would be sick during it. I was actually sick enough to call in an absence to work. But ofcourse I couldn't do that. I had to make it to that interview. I walked into the office with a box of tissues and a bottle of water. My manager's boss was somewhat surprised and commented that she had never had an employee cry at an interview. My interview went really well even though I struggled over a question or two.
Another part of me being sick is that I always lose my sense of taste by the third or fourth day. It usually is due to my nose being so plugged that my taste buds just don't work. I can try as hard as I want but it will still happen. I've come to realize that the longer my nose is plugged, I tend to eat only what I am hungry for. This week it went one step further. I discovered that when I can't taste the flavor of the food, eating is not as enjoyable!
When did eating become such an emotional event for me? I noticed it at one of my lunches at work. I was almost depressed thinking about not being able to taste the food. Really that's pathetic but I need to figure out how to change this, or make it so it isn't so dominant in my life. I don't really think it's possible to get rid of all the emotional attachment that comes with eating because there are so many memories associated with food. But I dont want food to run my emotions throughout a day.
So I plan to figure out how to make this less apparent. I figure I am going to have to find something else to bring up those same emotions, something more healthy. So the next couple of weeks are going to be a discovery process.
A couple of weeks ago I applied for a promotion at the company I work with. I knew an interview was coming but I had no idea I would be sick during it. I was actually sick enough to call in an absence to work. But ofcourse I couldn't do that. I had to make it to that interview. I walked into the office with a box of tissues and a bottle of water. My manager's boss was somewhat surprised and commented that she had never had an employee cry at an interview. My interview went really well even though I struggled over a question or two.
Another part of me being sick is that I always lose my sense of taste by the third or fourth day. It usually is due to my nose being so plugged that my taste buds just don't work. I can try as hard as I want but it will still happen. I've come to realize that the longer my nose is plugged, I tend to eat only what I am hungry for. This week it went one step further. I discovered that when I can't taste the flavor of the food, eating is not as enjoyable!
When did eating become such an emotional event for me? I noticed it at one of my lunches at work. I was almost depressed thinking about not being able to taste the food. Really that's pathetic but I need to figure out how to change this, or make it so it isn't so dominant in my life. I don't really think it's possible to get rid of all the emotional attachment that comes with eating because there are so many memories associated with food. But I dont want food to run my emotions throughout a day.
So I plan to figure out how to make this less apparent. I figure I am going to have to find something else to bring up those same emotions, something more healthy. So the next couple of weeks are going to be a discovery process.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Nail Biting is to Weight Loss
I know it's a pretty silly title for a blog entry but I wanted to just go with it. I'm sitting here knowing what I want to write about but having an issue finding the want to put the effort into the entry. Ugh! I hope it's a good sign that the second song on my random mix of music tonight was Mr. Blue Sky.
One of the goals I set during the last part of 2011 was to stop biting my nails. I set that goal on October 31st. There is some background so go back to read the entry. Overall, it's been a pretty successful venture. My nails are still short compared to the general population but they are not nearly as short as they were. There are some things I've done really well and some things I haven't done as well with. I find that if I keep my nails painted, I tend not to pick at them. If they look pretty, I try to keep them looking nice by not picking a the polish. Oh and I think nail polish is really fun. Oh and finger nails are helpful tools. They are great for getting the edge of tape undone and opening things. It makes itching so much easier.
Things that made me struggle are few but so important to remember. I have to keep a nail file around at all time because if my nails snag or have horrible edges, I will pick and peel at that nail until it has a smooth edge again which often means the nail will be shortish again. Sometimes I get these awful craving to just pick and I just literally have to sit on my hands to get over it.
Starting last week, I was back to work after being on vacation for 10 days. I started picking at my nails last week! What was I thinking? My nails were strong and healthy looking and now they arent as much anymore. I guess it was just so much easier to give into the wants. I actually think my nails reached that point of being too long. Mind you, they are/were just at the tip of my finger and the length was really just starting to bother me. I could feel my nails on my eyeball when I would try to take out my contacts. I get this annoying feeling when I type, my nails hitting the keyboard along with my fingertip. I have issues texting because I keep punching the "buttons" with my nails, which doesnt get picked up.
I got to thinking the other day that my struggles and feelings about my nails could be applied to my wanting to lose weight and get healthy. The cravings, the snags that make me want to give up, and the benefits that make me feel out of place. Anyone that has struggled with a craving can relate to these feelings, I'm sure of it.
When I think about my goal of healthy eating, I can apply each of these emotions to it. The cravings. Oh, the cravings! I know how it feels to overcome these cravings but I also know how it feels to give in. And the snags, just like the snags in my nails, one Snickers bar can lead me down the path of giving up on the rest of the day, just like I do on my nails. I thought I would struggle to find something that made me uncomfortable after I'd adjusted to eating healthier but the answer if obvious to me. After I kicked the McDonald's habit, I just cant eat there any more because it makes me physically ill. The foods I used to eat make me sick if I eat them after not having them for so long.
I'm really glad I stopped biting my nails 10 weeks ago. Now I just need to apply those lessons learned to my other bad habits. It will be a discovery process.
One of the goals I set during the last part of 2011 was to stop biting my nails. I set that goal on October 31st. There is some background so go back to read the entry. Overall, it's been a pretty successful venture. My nails are still short compared to the general population but they are not nearly as short as they were. There are some things I've done really well and some things I haven't done as well with. I find that if I keep my nails painted, I tend not to pick at them. If they look pretty, I try to keep them looking nice by not picking a the polish. Oh and I think nail polish is really fun. Oh and finger nails are helpful tools. They are great for getting the edge of tape undone and opening things. It makes itching so much easier.
Things that made me struggle are few but so important to remember. I have to keep a nail file around at all time because if my nails snag or have horrible edges, I will pick and peel at that nail until it has a smooth edge again which often means the nail will be shortish again. Sometimes I get these awful craving to just pick and I just literally have to sit on my hands to get over it.
Starting last week, I was back to work after being on vacation for 10 days. I started picking at my nails last week! What was I thinking? My nails were strong and healthy looking and now they arent as much anymore. I guess it was just so much easier to give into the wants. I actually think my nails reached that point of being too long. Mind you, they are/were just at the tip of my finger and the length was really just starting to bother me. I could feel my nails on my eyeball when I would try to take out my contacts. I get this annoying feeling when I type, my nails hitting the keyboard along with my fingertip. I have issues texting because I keep punching the "buttons" with my nails, which doesnt get picked up.
I got to thinking the other day that my struggles and feelings about my nails could be applied to my wanting to lose weight and get healthy. The cravings, the snags that make me want to give up, and the benefits that make me feel out of place. Anyone that has struggled with a craving can relate to these feelings, I'm sure of it.
When I think about my goal of healthy eating, I can apply each of these emotions to it. The cravings. Oh, the cravings! I know how it feels to overcome these cravings but I also know how it feels to give in. And the snags, just like the snags in my nails, one Snickers bar can lead me down the path of giving up on the rest of the day, just like I do on my nails. I thought I would struggle to find something that made me uncomfortable after I'd adjusted to eating healthier but the answer if obvious to me. After I kicked the McDonald's habit, I just cant eat there any more because it makes me physically ill. The foods I used to eat make me sick if I eat them after not having them for so long.
I'm really glad I stopped biting my nails 10 weeks ago. Now I just need to apply those lessons learned to my other bad habits. It will be a discovery process.
Monday, October 10, 2011
First Day of Week 3
Ugh! I felt the anxiety creeping up on me about 20 minutes before noon. I need to figure out where this is coming from. But I did make it through my lunch only eating what I brought.
My lunch box consisted of left over lasagna, a cheese stick, carrot sticks, and a small salad with lettuce, bell peppers and dried cranberries. I didn't end up eating the cheese stick and ended up eating an apple for an afternoon snack instead. I accompanied my lunch with a bottle of water. Oh and I had a Dum Dum for dessert.
I'm pretty proud of myself for food today. I did sneak two apple muffins, which were overly delicious, thanks to a coworker that made them yesterday. For breakfast I had some low sugar Quaker oatmeal made with skim milk. Dinner was a left over hamburger patty from last night (w/o bun), and then I made a small chicken sandwich and I had a handful of pretzels.
It was getting really hard towards the end of the day when I really wanted one of the Peanut Butter Snickers that have been sitting in my candy dish at work. Has everybody had those? They are yummy. I managed to get through that time without touching one. I even made it past a trip to the gas station with only buying the much needed milk and gas.
The strangest feeling came over me during some idle time during my last hour of work. I felt...empty. I was hungry but I felt emotionally empty too. I wished I didn't need to keep sitting there waiting for the clock to turn 6. I think this is just the beginning of figuring out the true emotional reason why I eat. Here is to discovery!
I still need to pack my lunch for tomorrow. Probably left over lasagna again.
 |
| Lunch Today |
I'm pretty proud of myself for food today. I did sneak two apple muffins, which were overly delicious, thanks to a coworker that made them yesterday. For breakfast I had some low sugar Quaker oatmeal made with skim milk. Dinner was a left over hamburger patty from last night (w/o bun), and then I made a small chicken sandwich and I had a handful of pretzels.
It was getting really hard towards the end of the day when I really wanted one of the Peanut Butter Snickers that have been sitting in my candy dish at work. Has everybody had those? They are yummy. I managed to get through that time without touching one. I even made it past a trip to the gas station with only buying the much needed milk and gas.
The strangest feeling came over me during some idle time during my last hour of work. I felt...empty. I was hungry but I felt emotionally empty too. I wished I didn't need to keep sitting there waiting for the clock to turn 6. I think this is just the beginning of figuring out the true emotional reason why I eat. Here is to discovery!
I still need to pack my lunch for tomorrow. Probably left over lasagna again.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Strength
The TV is turned off and the iTunes is turned on. It's time for some great writing!
I think Jen over at Prior Fat Girl must have been reading my blog last night and stole my idea for my entry tonight.
Running has made me feel strong. I feel stronger physically. Sometimes I feel strong mentally (I wish this happened more often than it does now).
Physically, my legs don't hurt as much as they used to when I run. When I started this endeavor, I couldn't jog without shin splints. I would have to stop every so often and stretch my muscles with the hope that it would make the pain go away. It usually did for a little bit before I would have to stop again to stretch. At the end of my walk/jog for that day, my shins would be so tight that I couldn't even point and flex my feet to stretch them. I don't have these problems anymore. Now it is more my breathing that is difficult during my runs. It's like my lungs just can't keep up with the rest of my body. Anyway, after getting home from my runs and when I am done stretching, my legs feels strong! I mean, I actually want to torture myself with squats and lunges. I want to point my toes like they do on So You Think You Can Dance, and lift my leg up gracefully.
I don't wake up in the middle of the night any more with painful charlie horses. Some people had told me to eat more bananas to get rid of cramps but I can't, because they make my throat swell up.
I really think I can only get stronger, especially if I start working in some more strength exercises. If I already feel so much stronger, I can't even begin to wonder how much stronger I am going to feel soon?
My mental and emotional strength hasn't been quite so strong. I came to the realization, like Jen, while peeing that I haven't been making the best food choices over the past few weeks. I really just NEED to get back into the mindset that I want to do this for myself. I have the opportunity to make the great decisions but something comes over me, my loss of control. My mom just tells me I really have to want it.
The plan is to get up tomorrow morning before work to get a run in, make great decisions during lunch (by staying out of the damn snack box at work), maybe get a walk in during lunch (since it's supposed to be nice), and then make good food decisions at a customer appreciation dinner I am going to tomorrow night. I just have to get through one day at a time, right?
I think Jen over at Prior Fat Girl must have been reading my blog last night and stole my idea for my entry tonight.
Running has made me feel strong. I feel stronger physically. Sometimes I feel strong mentally (I wish this happened more often than it does now).
Physically, my legs don't hurt as much as they used to when I run. When I started this endeavor, I couldn't jog without shin splints. I would have to stop every so often and stretch my muscles with the hope that it would make the pain go away. It usually did for a little bit before I would have to stop again to stretch. At the end of my walk/jog for that day, my shins would be so tight that I couldn't even point and flex my feet to stretch them. I don't have these problems anymore. Now it is more my breathing that is difficult during my runs. It's like my lungs just can't keep up with the rest of my body. Anyway, after getting home from my runs and when I am done stretching, my legs feels strong! I mean, I actually want to torture myself with squats and lunges. I want to point my toes like they do on So You Think You Can Dance, and lift my leg up gracefully.
I don't wake up in the middle of the night any more with painful charlie horses. Some people had told me to eat more bananas to get rid of cramps but I can't, because they make my throat swell up.
I really think I can only get stronger, especially if I start working in some more strength exercises. If I already feel so much stronger, I can't even begin to wonder how much stronger I am going to feel soon?
My mental and emotional strength hasn't been quite so strong. I came to the realization, like Jen, while peeing that I haven't been making the best food choices over the past few weeks. I really just NEED to get back into the mindset that I want to do this for myself. I have the opportunity to make the great decisions but something comes over me, my loss of control. My mom just tells me I really have to want it.
The plan is to get up tomorrow morning before work to get a run in, make great decisions during lunch (by staying out of the damn snack box at work), maybe get a walk in during lunch (since it's supposed to be nice), and then make good food decisions at a customer appreciation dinner I am going to tomorrow night. I just have to get through one day at a time, right?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
8 Months Later - Please Read
I took the week off from work so I could relax. After my 5k yesterday and sitting to talk with friends and family, I pause to reflect on the past eight months, what has changed and what challenges I still face. (I also included links on key words to past posts if you are interested.)
I am sitting in the same bedroom I wrote my first post from a little over eight months ago. I wish I could say I've been completely successful. Ofcourse there have been success but there have also been challenges I haven't been able to overcome yet. There have been new experiences and falling into ruts and I've figured out this mental game is harder than it looks.
My successes seem few and far between but they have been big to me. I finally got out of my butt rut. Although there is some time still spent on the couch, I am not there as much. I have been successful in getting into the idea of working out after work 3 to 4 times a day. Hell, I have even gotten to the point (some days) where I crave the exercise and am disappointed if it is raining or I have other plans for the day. I have run (walk/jog) two 5k runs in the past two weeks. I've run in the rain and it's not all that bad. On Monday, I ran over seven minutes without stopping out of the start line and I felt good. Couch to 5k has been really working for me...I think (this week I progress to week 4).
I've curbed my self-diagnosed depression. This spring has been so different from the few months after my hubby and I moved into our house last June. The days and weeks of him trying to pull me off my butt to get outside and work in the yard are a distant memory. There are weeks where watching the weather for the weekend almost becomes and obsession because I want it to be not raining so I can get into the yard. Our overgrown yard is slowly, but surely, getting under control. I think the enjoyment that exercise brings has been a huge help with this. I sleep so much better now because I am getting outside more. The fresh air has done me some good.
I have met some amazing friends through this world of blogging. The #priorfatpack was formed a few months ago through a furry of Twitter tweets among a small group of people that wanted to form a group that would have similar goals of getting healthy and losing weight in the process. One thing I have been doing more often lately is doing things that make me uncomfortable. The potluck The Pack had on Sunday night was one of those moments. I had originally invited a friend to come with me but I ended up going alone and boy, I was really nervous.... I am so HAPPY I went alone! I was uncomfy for a couple of minutes but was instantly drawn into the group like we had known each other for years. They were there to cheer me on when I crossed the finish line yesterday and I made sure I rang my cowbell loud whenever a pink-shirted member came around the corner! I am grateful for the support and love of The Pack. I make it almost sound like a cult! Maybe it will become a movement? Googling us will even come up with correct results!
Really at this point in the game, I thought I would have atleast been at 200lbs or less. To be honest, the scale hasn't moved much since the first week of this process. I try to live in denial, even yesterday, about why the scale hasn't moved in 8 months. I work out, burning at least a couple thousand calories a week. The scale should be moving but we all know it is not all about the calories expelled. It's just as importantly about the calories consumed. THIS has been the main struggle for me. I have not been really counting the calories with what I have been eating. Lunch with my friend Becky yesterday centered around talk of planning her wedding and my healthiness journey. I had expressed to her that I am working out but not losing any weight or inches. But I haven't gained weight or inches either. She asked if I was really watching what I was eating and I couldn't honestly give her the answer I wanted to give her. I wish I could have said "Yes" but it would have been a lie. My sister asked me the same question later in the evening while dinner was being prepared.
I am not going to say it here today that I am going to start counting calories because I have said it before. It is just something that I need to do. I bite it, I write it (stolen from Jen over at Priorfatgirl). The decision has been made. How long do they say it takes to make something a habit? Ofcourse everyone is different but from what I could find, 30-40 repetitions looks like a common comment. So that means if I track for a month or more, it should become a habit? That isn't too bad. We will see where I am in 5 weeks!
I wanted to thank everyone for their support over the last 8 months. To my family and friends who donated to my ABTA run, thank you! To my priorfatpack, thank you! To my parents, thank you! To my sister, the Ironlady, thank you for your little words of encouragement. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you and I will still need your support in the future.
I am sitting in the same bedroom I wrote my first post from a little over eight months ago. I wish I could say I've been completely successful. Ofcourse there have been success but there have also been challenges I haven't been able to overcome yet. There have been new experiences and falling into ruts and I've figured out this mental game is harder than it looks.
My successes seem few and far between but they have been big to me. I finally got out of my butt rut. Although there is some time still spent on the couch, I am not there as much. I have been successful in getting into the idea of working out after work 3 to 4 times a day. Hell, I have even gotten to the point (some days) where I crave the exercise and am disappointed if it is raining or I have other plans for the day. I have run (walk/jog) two 5k runs in the past two weeks. I've run in the rain and it's not all that bad. On Monday, I ran over seven minutes without stopping out of the start line and I felt good. Couch to 5k has been really working for me...I think (this week I progress to week 4).
I've curbed my self-diagnosed depression. This spring has been so different from the few months after my hubby and I moved into our house last June. The days and weeks of him trying to pull me off my butt to get outside and work in the yard are a distant memory. There are weeks where watching the weather for the weekend almost becomes and obsession because I want it to be not raining so I can get into the yard. Our overgrown yard is slowly, but surely, getting under control. I think the enjoyment that exercise brings has been a huge help with this. I sleep so much better now because I am getting outside more. The fresh air has done me some good.
I have met some amazing friends through this world of blogging. The #priorfatpack was formed a few months ago through a furry of Twitter tweets among a small group of people that wanted to form a group that would have similar goals of getting healthy and losing weight in the process. One thing I have been doing more often lately is doing things that make me uncomfortable. The potluck The Pack had on Sunday night was one of those moments. I had originally invited a friend to come with me but I ended up going alone and boy, I was really nervous.... I am so HAPPY I went alone! I was uncomfy for a couple of minutes but was instantly drawn into the group like we had known each other for years. They were there to cheer me on when I crossed the finish line yesterday and I made sure I rang my cowbell loud whenever a pink-shirted member came around the corner! I am grateful for the support and love of The Pack. I make it almost sound like a cult! Maybe it will become a movement? Googling us will even come up with correct results!
Really at this point in the game, I thought I would have atleast been at 200lbs or less. To be honest, the scale hasn't moved much since the first week of this process. I try to live in denial, even yesterday, about why the scale hasn't moved in 8 months. I work out, burning at least a couple thousand calories a week. The scale should be moving but we all know it is not all about the calories expelled. It's just as importantly about the calories consumed. THIS has been the main struggle for me. I have not been really counting the calories with what I have been eating. Lunch with my friend Becky yesterday centered around talk of planning her wedding and my healthiness journey. I had expressed to her that I am working out but not losing any weight or inches. But I haven't gained weight or inches either. She asked if I was really watching what I was eating and I couldn't honestly give her the answer I wanted to give her. I wish I could have said "Yes" but it would have been a lie. My sister asked me the same question later in the evening while dinner was being prepared.
I am not going to say it here today that I am going to start counting calories because I have said it before. It is just something that I need to do. I bite it, I write it (stolen from Jen over at Priorfatgirl). The decision has been made. How long do they say it takes to make something a habit? Ofcourse everyone is different but from what I could find, 30-40 repetitions looks like a common comment. So that means if I track for a month or more, it should become a habit? That isn't too bad. We will see where I am in 5 weeks!
I wanted to thank everyone for their support over the last 8 months. To my family and friends who donated to my ABTA run, thank you! To my priorfatpack, thank you! To my parents, thank you! To my sister, the Ironlady, thank you for your little words of encouragement. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you and I will still need your support in the future.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A New Idea
We had a freak rain storm on my lunch break. I realized my windows were open in my car about 15 minutes after it started. Atleast I have leather seats so I just have to wipe them down with a towel. Later in the afternoon, my boss and I watched as hail plummeted our cars. We were just hoping that the hail wouldn't get any bigger than peas. We don't need any damage to our cars.
I actually was able to pull myself out of bed early this morning to get my workout in before work. The hot and humid weather did not seem appealing for running. Even this morning it was it was 60 degrees at 6am. I was thinking it had cooled down pretty nicely overnight. But I failed to look at the humidity level, which was obviously high! I was already sweating 5 minutes into my 25 minute workout. Most of my customers are complaining that it is supposed to cool down after the rain comes today. I am really fine with that because it makes for better weather for working out. Who cares if the high for the day is 60. If you are cold, put on my layers!
While I was running, I was thinking about how frustrated I have been lately with the scale. How the crap did I gain 5 pounds over the last couple of weeks! I haven't really changed how I have been eating but I have really ramped up my amount of exercising by quite a bit. I have gotten comments from people that I look like I have lost weight, from both my husband and a friend. I told them thank you but I still wonder why the scale creeps up. Could I believe that I am building muscle, which of course weighs more than fat (or is it that muscle is more dense than fat?)? I do realize that I have muscles around my middle that I havent had the opportunity to feel in a while.
Weighing myself makes me frustrated and then I just want to emotionally eat. Sometimes, the thought crosses my mind that I should just give up and start living the lifestyle I used to when I didn't work out and didnt watch what I eat and I didnt gain or lose wieght. Sometimes I feel like that would just be easier. But then again, I think that I don't want to go back to when it was easier. I am actually enjoying the challenge of training for a 5k, an ultimately my duathlon in September. If I gave up, I would never get to complete my 10 Things. I wouldn't continue to feel my legs and lungs getting stronger each time I walk/jog/bike. I would just feel my but getting bigger and fatter while I sit on the couch.
So how am I going to keep myself going and not get overly frustrated with the number on the scale? I think I am going to give up the scale for a month and go strictly on how I feel. Maybe I will keep track of my measurements instead of the pounds. I just have to do something different because I cant let the number on the scale pull me down. It is really ruining the running high. I'm so proud of myself with the progress I've made on my running. The scale is just not worth it. So I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and then forget about the scale for the month. I will weigh myself in a month and see what happens. Here's to a new adventure
I actually was able to pull myself out of bed early this morning to get my workout in before work. The hot and humid weather did not seem appealing for running. Even this morning it was it was 60 degrees at 6am. I was thinking it had cooled down pretty nicely overnight. But I failed to look at the humidity level, which was obviously high! I was already sweating 5 minutes into my 25 minute workout. Most of my customers are complaining that it is supposed to cool down after the rain comes today. I am really fine with that because it makes for better weather for working out. Who cares if the high for the day is 60. If you are cold, put on my layers!
While I was running, I was thinking about how frustrated I have been lately with the scale. How the crap did I gain 5 pounds over the last couple of weeks! I haven't really changed how I have been eating but I have really ramped up my amount of exercising by quite a bit. I have gotten comments from people that I look like I have lost weight, from both my husband and a friend. I told them thank you but I still wonder why the scale creeps up. Could I believe that I am building muscle, which of course weighs more than fat (or is it that muscle is more dense than fat?)? I do realize that I have muscles around my middle that I havent had the opportunity to feel in a while.
Weighing myself makes me frustrated and then I just want to emotionally eat. Sometimes, the thought crosses my mind that I should just give up and start living the lifestyle I used to when I didn't work out and didnt watch what I eat and I didnt gain or lose wieght. Sometimes I feel like that would just be easier. But then again, I think that I don't want to go back to when it was easier. I am actually enjoying the challenge of training for a 5k, an ultimately my duathlon in September. If I gave up, I would never get to complete my 10 Things. I wouldn't continue to feel my legs and lungs getting stronger each time I walk/jog/bike. I would just feel my but getting bigger and fatter while I sit on the couch.
So how am I going to keep myself going and not get overly frustrated with the number on the scale? I think I am going to give up the scale for a month and go strictly on how I feel. Maybe I will keep track of my measurements instead of the pounds. I just have to do something different because I cant let the number on the scale pull me down. It is really ruining the running high. I'm so proud of myself with the progress I've made on my running. The scale is just not worth it. So I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and then forget about the scale for the month. I will weigh myself in a month and see what happens. Here's to a new adventure
Monday, April 11, 2011
Failure and Success!
I'm not sure what I'm about to say is me admitting to failure or not.
I gave up being a vegetarian about 3 1/2 weeks into the adventure. I was finding that my legs were cramping up far too much during my jogging and thought that maybe it was due to my giving up meat. I'm still not very sure if this is really the real reason for the leg cramping. The real problem is probably that I actually find that I am gaining weight instead of losing it. I think I replaced a lot of the lack of meat with carbs, carbs, and more carbs. The carbs just wore me down. I found as I slowly worked some protein back into my diet in the form of meat, I felt like I had more energy.
This vegetarian thing has really opened my tastebuds to try new things. I learned that I love marinated onions and peppers. I learned that I really like to try new things and that vegetarian items are worth the try and really do taste good! I think I will be trying to incorporate vegetarian meals into my daily menu. My hubby is still doing the vegetarian diet and even opted for a vegetarian meal at Taco Bell today, which he actually liked!
When I got home today from work I was in a bad mood and on the fence about working out. I didn't really want to get out and run, even though the weather was perfect for it. I really just wanted to sit on the couch. I knew my bike was still set up in the basement and that my bike shorts were up on the bedroom floor. But I really just wanted to sit on the couch and watch the news. But then I thought to myself that I could watch the news while I rode the bike. So that's what I did. I marched up the stairs to pull on the wonderful black spandex padded shorts, my sports bra and a tee shirt. I threw my hair up into a ponytail and slipped on my bike gloves. I turned on the tv and got moving. I pedaled so hard at one point that I broke off the plastic part that holds my foot in place. I suppose it is time to get my bike affixed with those nifty shoe cleats. I wanted to stop so many times but I just kept going. I did 40 minutes...and felt AMAZING when I was done.
Dinner was ready for me after I was done on the bike. It was so yummy and all I could talk about was how glad I was that I got off my ass to work out. I really want this to become a habit and I think I am slowly getting there.
I gave up being a vegetarian about 3 1/2 weeks into the adventure. I was finding that my legs were cramping up far too much during my jogging and thought that maybe it was due to my giving up meat. I'm still not very sure if this is really the real reason for the leg cramping. The real problem is probably that I actually find that I am gaining weight instead of losing it. I think I replaced a lot of the lack of meat with carbs, carbs, and more carbs. The carbs just wore me down. I found as I slowly worked some protein back into my diet in the form of meat, I felt like I had more energy.
This vegetarian thing has really opened my tastebuds to try new things. I learned that I love marinated onions and peppers. I learned that I really like to try new things and that vegetarian items are worth the try and really do taste good! I think I will be trying to incorporate vegetarian meals into my daily menu. My hubby is still doing the vegetarian diet and even opted for a vegetarian meal at Taco Bell today, which he actually liked!
When I got home today from work I was in a bad mood and on the fence about working out. I didn't really want to get out and run, even though the weather was perfect for it. I really just wanted to sit on the couch. I knew my bike was still set up in the basement and that my bike shorts were up on the bedroom floor. But I really just wanted to sit on the couch and watch the news. But then I thought to myself that I could watch the news while I rode the bike. So that's what I did. I marched up the stairs to pull on the wonderful black spandex padded shorts, my sports bra and a tee shirt. I threw my hair up into a ponytail and slipped on my bike gloves. I turned on the tv and got moving. I pedaled so hard at one point that I broke off the plastic part that holds my foot in place. I suppose it is time to get my bike affixed with those nifty shoe cleats. I wanted to stop so many times but I just kept going. I did 40 minutes...and felt AMAZING when I was done.
Dinner was ready for me after I was done on the bike. It was so yummy and all I could talk about was how glad I was that I got off my ass to work out. I really want this to become a habit and I think I am slowly getting there.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I Just Want to Scream!!
Sometimes I just want to scream...
Sometimes I just want to scream in frustration at my choices! I want to scream about the horrible choices I've been making! I want to scream about the binging! I want to scream about the majority of my time outside of work being spent on the couch! I want to scream that it's cold outside and I can't go for a run! I want to scream when I don't update my blog!
And sometimes I just want to cry about it...
I want to cry to make myself feel better. I want to cry about how much I'm failing. I want to cry when I dont work out and it's bed time. I want to cry when I watch the scale move up or stand still. I want to cry when I feel alone in this. I want to cry after I binge. I want to cry when I realize I'm in denial.
I scream. I cry. I pick myself back up. I dream.
Sometimes I just want to scream in frustration at my choices! I want to scream about the horrible choices I've been making! I want to scream about the binging! I want to scream about the majority of my time outside of work being spent on the couch! I want to scream that it's cold outside and I can't go for a run! I want to scream when I don't update my blog!
And sometimes I just want to cry about it...
I want to cry to make myself feel better. I want to cry about how much I'm failing. I want to cry when I dont work out and it's bed time. I want to cry when I watch the scale move up or stand still. I want to cry when I feel alone in this. I want to cry after I binge. I want to cry when I realize I'm in denial.
And sometimes I just need to pick myself back up...
I worked out tonight...aerobic for 30 minutes and then Yoga for 40 minutes. I sat down and made monthly calendars for the rest of the year. I crossed today off the calendar as a work out day! I ate a somewhat healthy dinner. I conquered eating carrots without ranch dressing. I am updating my blog.
And sometimes I dream...
I dream about the day I can complete the burpees on the Wii.
I dream about the day I can go down a pants size. I dream about not being addicted to fast food. I dream about completing my race! I dream about getting up early so I can work out before work.I scream. I cry. I pick myself back up. I dream.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Accepting Compliments
I have been trying to write but I just have had writer's block for the past couple of weeks. I notice that entry ideas pop up at me at the most random moments, such as today when one of my customers gave me a compliment.
In the past few years, I have noticed that it is hard for me to accept a compliment, especially from people I dont know AND especially when it's about my weight or my looks.
I have two comments today from customers:
1. "When are you expecting" (Hate that one!)
2. "Wow, you look like you've lost weight" (from a woman who has lost over 100lbs herself)
I'll touch on the second one tonight. I've gotten that comment twice in the past week from two different customers. I haven't really lost nearly as much weight as I wish I would have by now but maybe I am toning my body a bit? In the past, before I was "destroying dead ends", I would have given the compliment-er some excuse about my clothing fitting well. Over the past few weeks, I've been accepting the compliments and responding with a "Thank You" and a smile. Instead of just brushing the compliments off and forgetting about them, I am taking them and cherishing them.
I stole the following words from Todd Smith at Littlethingsmatter.com
I think this is really some advice that everyone should take and run with.
PS: It's crazy snowing outside and I am hoping for a day off from work in the morning.
In the past few years, I have noticed that it is hard for me to accept a compliment, especially from people I dont know AND especially when it's about my weight or my looks.
I have two comments today from customers:
1. "When are you expecting" (Hate that one!)
2. "Wow, you look like you've lost weight" (from a woman who has lost over 100lbs herself)
I'll touch on the second one tonight. I've gotten that comment twice in the past week from two different customers. I haven't really lost nearly as much weight as I wish I would have by now but maybe I am toning my body a bit? In the past, before I was "destroying dead ends", I would have given the compliment-er some excuse about my clothing fitting well. Over the past few weeks, I've been accepting the compliments and responding with a "Thank You" and a smile. Instead of just brushing the compliments off and forgetting about them, I am taking them and cherishing them.
I stole the following words from Todd Smith at Littlethingsmatter.com
Do You Recognize a Compliment When You Hear One?
Defined as an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration, compliments should be pretty easy to recognize, but can be tough to spot when we’re focused on ourselves. Here are two examples:
“Have you lost weight, Mary? You look terrific!”
- “It must be the outfit.”
Mary is sending a message that she’s self conscious about her weight and/or she doesn’t deserve credit for her efforts.
“I’m really happy with the way you handled yourself on that call, Bill.”
- “Yea, but I wish I would have remembered to tell them about the discount.
Bill is sending a message that he doesn’t think he’s good enough and that he is not able to see the potential benefit that may come from his contribution.
Responding to a Compliment
These two examples may seem obvious, but remember that compliments come in many forms. Whatever the situation, there is a proper way to acknowledge praise, commendation, or admiration.
- Make eye contact. Acknowledging a compliment is a perfect time to connect with someone. Look the person in the eye when you respond. Doing so communicates sincerity and self-confidence.
- Say, “Thank you.” A sincere, unhurried ‘thank you’ along with a smile and eye contact is more often than not all that is necessary.
- Don’t explain anything. If you feel moved, you can follow your ‘thank you’ with something positive. Doing so communicates desirable character traits such as friendliness and positivity. Caution: If you can’t keep it brief and will be tempted to explain or rationalize your action or accomplishment, leave it at a simple ‘thank you.’
I think this is really some advice that everyone should take and run with.
PS: It's crazy snowing outside and I am hoping for a day off from work in the morning.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Video, Successes, and a Confession
Oh god it’s video day. The guy from the phone company is here to fix our phones, finally. Our DSL connection came back lastnight but the phones are still dead, no sound, no static, nothing. The guy said it was on their end (yay) and that he would get it fixed within the hour. Not enough time for me to make it to work for the day but I’ll just get to work on Saturday instead.
So I saw on someone else’s blog that they do a video of their goals at the beginning of each year. I thought that was a great idea and I would do that as well.
Please don't judge me. That confession feels utterly embarrassing. I mean, those times should be in my past when I sit down and binge. It makes me want to cry. I’ll cover up the crying though with two success stories for the day.
Since I had the whole day off from work, waiting for the phone guy to show up, I had plenty of time on my hands to work out. I did a Kick Boxing routine for 30 mins this morning with Bob and Jillian on the Wii. Wow, I’m not coordinated. I hope that changes soon. After I ate that pizza tonight and watch ed the first hour of the Biggest Loser season premiere, I forced myself onto that bike in the basement to watch the second hour of the show. There were soooo many times I wanted to get off that bike but I made myself finish the whole hour. Sure, there were times when I stopped to take a breather but I didn’t let my feet touch the floor. The last fifteen minutes was filled with thoughts of “just get through the commercials, just get through until the next commercials”. It was hard but I did it. I don’t feel all that bad about the pizza anymore after I think about getting a full hour in on my bike. It’s the little successes I have that are the most important steps in making it to my goals.
Days ‘til race day: 264 (not many days left)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sick
I haven't posted in a week.
Two weeks ago I got a flu shot, at my cardiologist's urging. I had never gotten one in the past. When I asked about getting sick from the shot, they told me it was a rumor that wasn't true. They told me that people who get sick already have a virus in their system and the shot is just timing. Well, two weeks later I'm sick.
I could feel it coming on last week. Just a general weakness and lack of motivation to do anything. I should have known it was coming. I could really feel it yesterday. I even told my boss not to expect me at work the next day. I didn't sleep last night. I was awake all night with various bouts of sleep. So just like predicted, I called in sick this morning. I hate calling in sick to work especially on Tuesdays when we are short staffed.
I tend not to eat much when I'm sick. The appetite just isn't there to motivate me enough to get off the couch to eat. I can count on one hand what I've eaten today. A bowl of cereal and yogurt for breakfast, a couple of handfuls of cheezits around 4, two pieced of pizza for dinner and 4 Halls cough drops. Oh there were a couple of glasses of water in there to keep me hydrated while I work through my fever. There is definitely no working out when I'm sick. Like I said, butt off of the couch is difficult.
I hope I get to go back to work tomorrow. Although it's nice to have a day off, it sucks to be at home sick. I'd rather be at work.
For weigh in yesterday, there was no gain...but no loss either.
Two weeks ago I got a flu shot, at my cardiologist's urging. I had never gotten one in the past. When I asked about getting sick from the shot, they told me it was a rumor that wasn't true. They told me that people who get sick already have a virus in their system and the shot is just timing. Well, two weeks later I'm sick.
I could feel it coming on last week. Just a general weakness and lack of motivation to do anything. I should have known it was coming. I could really feel it yesterday. I even told my boss not to expect me at work the next day. I didn't sleep last night. I was awake all night with various bouts of sleep. So just like predicted, I called in sick this morning. I hate calling in sick to work especially on Tuesdays when we are short staffed.
I tend not to eat much when I'm sick. The appetite just isn't there to motivate me enough to get off the couch to eat. I can count on one hand what I've eaten today. A bowl of cereal and yogurt for breakfast, a couple of handfuls of cheezits around 4, two pieced of pizza for dinner and 4 Halls cough drops. Oh there were a couple of glasses of water in there to keep me hydrated while I work through my fever. There is definitely no working out when I'm sick. Like I said, butt off of the couch is difficult.
I hope I get to go back to work tomorrow. Although it's nice to have a day off, it sucks to be at home sick. I'd rather be at work.
For weigh in yesterday, there was no gain...but no loss either.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Loss of Grip
I realized last night that I was on the verge of losing my grip on the changes. I've started biting my nails again (boo). It's something I stopped doing over two months ago. I've been eating like crap again and I hadn't worked out for 4 days. I feel like I was losing control again.
I'm one of those weird people that feels like not having control is easier. There's anorexics that often crave the control they have over their weight. The control for me is tiring. It's exhausting to keep doing every day. I was frustrated at work today. Pat was supposed to join me for a workout. That didn't happen. I was sick of not having control over these past few days. I took the frustration out on the pavement. I worked through the pain in my legs. I passed a guy who was walking! I've never passed anyone! On a good note, I am now under 14:30min per mile. That sounds really lame but it's really good for me.
I have to admit, there are days I've posted, not admitting to myself that that day was a bad food day. I'm still running into problems with food. Yea, I've limited my exposure to Subway, which has been good but I was weak today and gave in to a foot long sandwich. Yea I can say tomorrow will be a better day and I'm extremely hopeful every morning when I get up. The fridge at work is completely stocked with healthy food for me. It's just that I have to keep myself at work to eat it. I don't keep crappy food at home so dinners are rarely a problem. It's those damn lunches. ARg!
I was good for dinner. I had a left over bbq chicken breast from last night. I tried, I really did try to have blanched broccoli with a little bit of salt and pepper. I was really trying to enjoy it as I gagged on it in my mouth. I could only manage to eat about three pieces before they went in the trash can. I did manage to have water instead of pop and an apple for dessert. Ugh! What am I going to do with myself about those bad lunches? I just need to avoid the temptations.
I'm working out with Kinsey again tomorrow night. I talked to her out of running the trail in the dark. So we are working Enterprise Dr. I'll have to check out that distance there. Only 16 more days until the Turkey Day 5k. Who thinks I can be up to jogging it by then?
I'm one of those weird people that feels like not having control is easier. There's anorexics that often crave the control they have over their weight. The control for me is tiring. It's exhausting to keep doing every day. I was frustrated at work today. Pat was supposed to join me for a workout. That didn't happen. I was sick of not having control over these past few days. I took the frustration out on the pavement. I worked through the pain in my legs. I passed a guy who was walking! I've never passed anyone! On a good note, I am now under 14:30min per mile. That sounds really lame but it's really good for me.
I have to admit, there are days I've posted, not admitting to myself that that day was a bad food day. I'm still running into problems with food. Yea, I've limited my exposure to Subway, which has been good but I was weak today and gave in to a foot long sandwich. Yea I can say tomorrow will be a better day and I'm extremely hopeful every morning when I get up. The fridge at work is completely stocked with healthy food for me. It's just that I have to keep myself at work to eat it. I don't keep crappy food at home so dinners are rarely a problem. It's those damn lunches. ARg!
I was good for dinner. I had a left over bbq chicken breast from last night. I tried, I really did try to have blanched broccoli with a little bit of salt and pepper. I was really trying to enjoy it as I gagged on it in my mouth. I could only manage to eat about three pieces before they went in the trash can. I did manage to have water instead of pop and an apple for dessert. Ugh! What am I going to do with myself about those bad lunches? I just need to avoid the temptations.
I'm working out with Kinsey again tomorrow night. I talked to her out of running the trail in the dark. So we are working Enterprise Dr. I'll have to check out that distance there. Only 16 more days until the Turkey Day 5k. Who thinks I can be up to jogging it by then?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Unwanted Comments
I thought of something tonight that I really wanted to post about. I could post about the wonderful workout of walking/jogging with Kinsey. I greatly appreciate her pushing me to run just a little further. She's shooting on running 20 miles in May. God bless her for that! I'm not really sure I'm going to be able to achieve that by May. I'm hoping that I can do that Krazy Legs run, which I believe is 8k. Anyway, we did 3 miles in an hour. It's not a fast pace but my body hurts right now. I think I may lay on the floor before I climb into bed.
The thing I really wanted to post about tonight is about a comment I get from people more often then I thought I would. Often times, when I feel comfy enough with a person, I will reveal to them what my current weight is. The comment I often get is "You don't look like you weigh that much." Um...thanks?
You know who they picture when I tell them I weigh 222lbs? They think of someone shorter and rounder than me. They think of someone that has trouble getting out of bed, someone that breathes heavy and gasps for air. They picture jiggly fat tucked up into a too tiny baby tee-shirt. I tend to carry my weight on my butt, hips and thighs. It wasn't until recently that I started carrying it on my belly. I guess when there is no where else for it to go, it's going to go to the places where it hasn't already.
There are so many comments people have made besides this one, including "When are you due?". That's a bad one too. On a side note, I had a customer ask me that at work the other day. And when I smiled to make the awkwardness go away and told her "No, not yet", she kept going saying something about how it looks like I have a little belly. I wanted to reach over the counter and slap her. (sorry that thought wasn't very professional). Usually after I tell people that I'm not pregnant, they become slightly more embarrassed than myself and apologize.
This comment about not looking like what I weigh just bothers me. I try to wear clothing that is appropriate for my body size. I am lucky that I am 5'10'' so the weight kinda spreads out, I guess. But it isn't so much what I look like but how I feel about myself at this weight and how I FEEL at this weight. I want my shin splints to go away. I never had them before the weight. I want to feel comfortable in my clothing. I want my cholesterol to be down, I need it to be down so maybe, just maybe, someday I'll be able to go off my medication. I want to be able to have a baby. I want to be energetic.
Being fat isn't just about how I look. It's about me. I don't want it to be a part of me anymore.
Time to lay on the floor. Goodnight
Current Music: Time After Time - Cindy Lauper
The thing I really wanted to post about tonight is about a comment I get from people more often then I thought I would. Often times, when I feel comfy enough with a person, I will reveal to them what my current weight is. The comment I often get is "You don't look like you weigh that much." Um...thanks?
You know who they picture when I tell them I weigh 222lbs? They think of someone shorter and rounder than me. They think of someone that has trouble getting out of bed, someone that breathes heavy and gasps for air. They picture jiggly fat tucked up into a too tiny baby tee-shirt. I tend to carry my weight on my butt, hips and thighs. It wasn't until recently that I started carrying it on my belly. I guess when there is no where else for it to go, it's going to go to the places where it hasn't already.
There are so many comments people have made besides this one, including "When are you due?". That's a bad one too. On a side note, I had a customer ask me that at work the other day. And when I smiled to make the awkwardness go away and told her "No, not yet", she kept going saying something about how it looks like I have a little belly. I wanted to reach over the counter and slap her. (sorry that thought wasn't very professional). Usually after I tell people that I'm not pregnant, they become slightly more embarrassed than myself and apologize.
This comment about not looking like what I weigh just bothers me. I try to wear clothing that is appropriate for my body size. I am lucky that I am 5'10'' so the weight kinda spreads out, I guess. But it isn't so much what I look like but how I feel about myself at this weight and how I FEEL at this weight. I want my shin splints to go away. I never had them before the weight. I want to feel comfortable in my clothing. I want my cholesterol to be down, I need it to be down so maybe, just maybe, someday I'll be able to go off my medication. I want to be able to have a baby. I want to be energetic.
Being fat isn't just about how I look. It's about me. I don't want it to be a part of me anymore.
Time to lay on the floor. Goodnight
Current Music: Time After Time - Cindy Lauper
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