A New Experience

After my last post about an acquaintance that has been battling cancer, I decided I need to live each day a little differently. I know I have written before about my anxiety about trying new things, especially by myself. (I'm unable to find the post at this moment.) So, yesterday being Monday, I get off of work somewhat early in the afternoon, sometime between 3:00 and 4:00 depending on how busy it is.  I headed to the gym, thinking I was just going to do a walk/jog on the treadmill.  Well, I looked at the class schedule when I walked in the door and noticed they had a class at 4:05.  It was a class that I had been wanting to take but didn't have the nerve to step into a session. 

Now, my mental talk was all over the place.  Mostly it was "Just do it Amy. Be brave, do it, go out of your comfort zone." I went into the locker room, my nerves high strung as all can be. My mouth was dry, I dressed fast.  I wanted to be early so I could set myself up in the back of the room.  I didn't want anyone to know I was new at this.  I locked my locker and ran upstairs to the room.  I walked in, picked out a place at the back of the room and set my towel, waterbottle, iPhone and keys down.  I looked at what the other women in the room were setting up. I followed their lead. 

I stood in the room, with a step and watched people grab a bar and some weights. Which weights was I supposed to get.  I looked at the rack of weights. Ugh!  How many weights did I need?  I thought to myself for that awkward moment that I should just leave.  I texted Christina, told her I was freaking out.  I then worked up the nerve to tell another girl this was my first time and I had no idea what I was doing.  She politely smiled and said "There was a first time for everyone."  Thank you for being so nice and understanding and not looking at my like I'm an idiot!  She guided me through picking out some lighter weights. She said that she worked with 5 and 2.5lb weights through her whole workout the first few times she took the class.  She said, unless I had been lifting quite a bit already, the weights should be enough and I would feel it during the workout.  She also guided me in grabbing a mat for the bench work we would be doing on the steps.  I thanked her for her help.  I was beyond grateful.  I hope to be able to pay it forward to someone else in the future.

While I waited for the classroom to fill up, I texted Christina back and forth, telling her about my anxiety. It helped settle me down a bit and to get focused on the class.  I would say the room was about half full which didn't surprise me because most people were probably still working at that point in the day. I was happy with my place in the back until the instructor asked if there was anyone new.  I didn't even think and shot my hand up in the air. "Oh please be nice to me." She congratulated me for coming (um ok), had the class give me an applause (please find me a hole to hide in), and then gave me some instructions for using the bar and when to use body weight only with no bar (ok, thanks!).

And class started... and I got through it.  I felt like it was super easy at first and then realized that as my muscles got tired that it really was a hard full body workout.  I knew I would be hurting in the morning. Ofcourse, it was going to be a good healthy hurt.  In my subconscious, I knew the class would be worth it when I walked out of there and it definitely was.  Now just to get my husband to give the class a try....

 (Source)

**If you are curious, the class I tried was a Les Mills Body Pump class.**

Only 30: A Reality Check

30 years.  30 years old seemed really old when I was 15.  Now 30 seems like the new 25...or something. I've been 30 for over six months. So I'm not writing this because it's my birthday or anything.  I'm writing because 30 is just too damn young to be dying! 

Most people in my age group have lost at least one grandparent but we have time to prepare for those events.  I'm not saying that losing a grandparent isn't hard, I've coped with losing two of mine so far.  Unfortunately, some of us have even lost one or both of our parents. These family members are older and far wiser than us, we know it's going to happen some time or another.  But really, 30 is too young to be dying!

A friend of a dear college friend of mine is 30 and is suffering from cervical cancer.  (I will be not using names to respect the privacy of her friends/family.) At this moment her family and friends are gathered at her bedside to spend a few last moments with her.  This woman and I have met only a few times at social gatherings and our mutual friend's wedding.  Even though I am not close to this person, this situation is really hitting me emotionally.  While on a recent trip home to the Twin Cities, I was able to sit down with my friend to get an update on her friend.  It was intense to see the emotions she was dealing with.  I had similar feelings when another friend's mother passed away four years ago from brain cancer.  There's a sense of not having any control.  And there's the moments when I think about how would I react if I was in their situations. 

How would I deal with it if it was me? I wonder if I have completed the things I wanted to do.  Have I been good enough to myself?  Then I really got to thinking that I don't respect my body enough.  I throw a bunch of junk in my body.  I only have this body for a certain amount of time, and no one knows how long that is. It is time to start taking care of myself better. It is time I spend a ton of time with family and with friends because in the end, they are the ones that will be standing next to my bedside when the end is near. 

I thought I would have more to write on this subject.  The whole thing has scared me. I wanted to think that we were still invincible at 30.  I know I'm not, I just wasn't ready to admit it. 

Hidden Binges

I have a little confession.  I hide my eating.  Can't believe it?  Why would anyone want to hide the food they eat from the world, especially their binges?  Because if other people didn't see it, it didn't happen.  That's how it works....really. 

I don't really know why I find this so humiliating but it is incredibly embarrassing to admit that I hide my binges. I know it's really a common occurrence among people who binge.  They usually binge in private.  I've even had moments at work where someone is in there with me and I will be more careful about what I am eating but once they leave, out comes the food hardcore.  The other thing is that I am doing it completely consciously.  I think "Please get out of here so I can eat all the food."  I sound like an animal.  It's bad. 

I've been tracking my food again using MyFitnessPal.com. I recently figured out that I could leave my diary so that my friends could see it.  I have found that it really makes me think more about what I am putting into my mouth if I know someone is going to be looking at it.  Sure, I can chose not to log what I ate that day but then how am I helping myself with this problem. I'm not. 

I know I will have great days and I know I will have not so great days.  

So if you want to see what I am eating throughout my days, join myfitnesspal, start logging your food and workouts, and start following me. 

Starting "Cold Turkey"

I was going to blog last night but since quitting caffeine on Sunday, I am feeling the withdrawal effect super bad yesterday and today. So I just did some reading and went to bed early.  I even didn't watch The Biggest Loser like I always do.  I just wanted to do an update about what I am doing right now. 

I wrote in the beginning of January that I was done with the scale.  Boy was that a mistake.  Even though I have lost weight since then, 4 lbs, I still felt my clothes getting tighter and my body getting wigglier (not sure if that is even a word). So I got back on the scale and it showed that 4 pound loss.  So I'm going back to what I know works for me. I'm tracking my calories and eating as unprocessed as I can. 

That being said, it is also the Lenten season.  I gave up going out for lunch for Lent.  It has always been a crutch for me to go to Subway and eat a foot long sandwich to curb my stress level over my lunch period.  I'll be figuring out how to deal with that stress in different ways. 

So I quit Subway cold turkey.  (I could insert a pun here...but I wont....Cold Turkey....Subway..get it?) 

But instead of making this quitting thing such a negative thought, I am making it a positive moment by "Starting Cold Turkey".   It was my phrase of the day when I was talking to friends and coworkers about it yesterday.  I was overly excited.  After reading some blogs on Sunday night, I just felt really motivated.  Oh, there's also the trip to the Bahamas thats been booked for six weeks from last weekend and also requires a suit. 

So Sunday, I went to the gym for Body Flow, even though I really didn't want to.  I worked the moves as hard as I could so I could reap the benefits.  I planned my eating for Monday and did pretty well except that I was starving by the time I went to the gym that afternoon.  I did an hour on the treadmill at a 5% incline and another 10 minutes on the rowing machine.  Boy that hurt after doing all the pilates moves in Body Flow on Sunday. 

Sorry to cut the post short. I need to get myself ready for work and prepare my lunch.