Things I Love

I'm copying a post from Mariah from Unstoppable Mariah (kinda) because she said she loves reading my blog. I also wanted to do this because I found my OLD Livejournal entries a couple of nights ago. I actually completely forgot I had it. I don't even remember the password. It has been interesting going back to see where I was 5 or 6 years ago.

One of my favorite posts was a list of random things I love.

Here it is:
Snow
Christmas (music, and everything about it)
XCountry Skiing
Playing music
Clarinet
Snowmen
Popcorn
Bright Colors
Lilacs
Daisies
Sewing
Reading
Cats
Hoodies
Family (sister, mom and dad)
Hugs
Kisses
Apples
(Fresh) Pineapple
Chicken
Green Beans
California
Cold (Glass of) Water
Sweat Pants
Curls
Angels
Grandparents
Home Made Apple Pie
Grandma Mary's Sugar Cookies at Christmas Time
Ribbon Candy
Choral Music
Puzzles
Clouds
Lawry's Salt

Now most of those things still qualify...actually all of them do. But  I wanted to add a few more things to that list:

Devils Lake October 2010

Fall

Cities 97 Cds
Hot Chocolate
My Hubby
Friends
Running
Having my sister stay with me through the finish line
#f2fpack
Photography
Memories
My Past
My Future
Water
A warm bed on a cold night
Jelly Beans
Success!
Fish Fry (Its a WI thing)
Cooking and trying new recipes
Finding new interesting food or weightloss blogs

I'm sure I'll be able to add to this and there are things I can't come up with right now.




I was told today, by my bosses boss that I was her motivation. She asked about my race and how everything went. And she told me I was her motivation to get out running. She's probably in her late 50s and has never been a runner. How good did that make me feel!!! It makes me want to go for a run right now. If it wasn't dark and almost my bed time, I probably would.

Is That the Problem?

I brought my computer to work so that I could busy myself with writing over my lunch break.

Its day 3 of week 3 and I think I am doing pretty good. Still eating breakfast at home. I do think that I need to find new ideas for breakfast besides cereal and oatmeal. I think I could make some mini baked eggs or something to have it in fridge. Then I can just pull them out and heat them up for a great breakfast. I know that the South Beach Diet cookbook I have has some recipes like that. I will have to look into it.

I was going to write about that empty feeling I’ve had all week since I started really paying attention to what goes into my mouth. Anne over at Twelve-in-Twelve has recently been writing about owning her emotions and not using food as a cover up. I think I started to over eat when I was in high school when I was feeling inadequate, not good enough. And I just continued to eat through college, especially when my grades didn’t meet my expectations or when I disappointed someone. The strange thing is though that I never strived to do better. I just ate and forgot about it until the next time I didn’t succeed. I cruised through college, graduating with an average GPA and 25 pounds. I gained another 25 pounds after graduation. Sure I had a job because I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. The first couple of years at the job were stressful. There is a lot to learn about banking and I wasn’t the quickest to catch on. I was stressed and I needed food to cover up the emotions. I used stress as an excuse. The Subway, across the street, became my new best friend. I think the worst I was for going out to lunch was 4 times in a 5 day work week. Now I know there are worst things to eat but I was just eating too much.  I knew that had to change.

I knew I could walk into the restaurant and order just a six inch sub, and I did a couple of times, but only when I knew that I was going to have a larger dinner. It just became a habit. It probably still is a habit. How come the feeling of shame is ripping through my pores right now? I am downright ashamed of my actions. Maybe I’m more embarrassed by those actions? I guess I like to keep the face that I have things in control.

When I think about my lunch breaks, I often hide my overeating from my coworkers. I’m often in the breakroom alone which allows me to eat without thinking. If someone is in there with me, I will just eat what I have. If I get Subway and come back with a 12 inch sub, if someone is on break with me, I will actually only eat half of it because I don’t want them to judge me. I never thought I was one of those people that hid my binges because my husband usually knew about them. But come to think of it, I am one of those people. Its probably why I usually lose weight when I’m with my parents. I don’t want to binge in front of them.

So now that this week I am controlling what I am eating alone in the breakroom over my lunch period, I’ve been feeling empty, physically and emotionally. The cool thing is that I know of ways to alleviate the problem, it’s just hard to do at work when the feeling comes over me.

If I am physically empty, I could eat a healthy snack such as an apple or a yogurt. (I should have eaten something before I ran after work yesterday. I was so starving when I was done that I ate too much for dinner.) I think it’s the emotionally empty feeling that I need to overcome with some physical activity or some other sort of activity to take my mind off it. I don’t want to just forget about it but I need something to bring me out of that feeling. I said it’s the worst at work because I work the retail side of a bank and it’s not like I can just get up to leave the building to go for a walk. I also think I would like to find some new hobbies to work on or atleast I just need to pick up my camera and head outside when I need to overcome the emotions. Or maybe do something silly like get up to bust a move in my living room. Dancing is supposed to make me feel better right?

I’m supposed to be destroying dead ends right? I think this is just another dead end that I have…it’s not even a dead end but more of a high wall that I just need to climb over and the climb is hard.

First Day of Week 3

Ugh!  I felt the anxiety creeping up on me about 20 minutes before noon. I need to figure out where this is coming from. But I did make it through my lunch only eating what I brought.

Lunch Today

My lunch box consisted of left over lasagna, a cheese stick, carrot sticks, and a small salad with lettuce, bell peppers and dried cranberries. I didn't end up eating the cheese stick and ended up eating an apple for an afternoon snack instead. I accompanied my lunch with a bottle of water. Oh and I had a Dum Dum for dessert.

I'm pretty proud of myself for food today. I did sneak two apple muffins, which were overly delicious, thanks to a coworker that made them yesterday. For breakfast I had some low sugar Quaker oatmeal made with skim milk. Dinner was a left over hamburger patty from last night (w/o bun), and then I made a small chicken sandwich and I had a handful of pretzels. 

It was getting really hard towards the end of the day when I really wanted one of the Peanut Butter Snickers that have been sitting in my candy dish at work. Has everybody had those? They are yummy. I managed to get through that time without touching one. I even made it past a trip to the gas station with only buying the much needed milk and gas.

The strangest feeling came over me during some idle time during my last hour of work. I felt...empty. I was hungry but I felt emotionally empty too. I wished I didn't need to keep sitting there waiting for the clock to turn 6. I think this is just the beginning of figuring out the true emotional reason why I eat. Here is to discovery!

I still need to pack my lunch for tomorrow. Probably left over lasagna again.

Goal 3 - Lunch From Home

Today is the start of week three of my goal setting. You can read about Goal 1 and Goal 2 at their respective links. Goal 1 has been successful for two full weeks.

I am proud of this one because I was starting to think I was becoming addicted to that morning egg sandwich or breakfast burrito. The cravings still sneak up on me but since I know the way around it, I can beat the want. I also purchased Quaker Oatmeal Togo. At 220 calories per bar, they are a much better on-the-go option for me. Out of curiosity, I went to McDonalds website to check out how many calories I was typically eating on those mornings I went out to breakfast before work. *I feel ashamed and humiliated admitting what I was eating there* I usually would order a burrito breakfast meal with a small orange juice. After adding all the calories, it totals to nearly 900 calories...for breakfast! I only did that once a week. I'm figuring those days would probably total over 3000 calories. Ouch! No wonder I wasn't losing any weight. So I think I am much better off with my Oatmeal squares for those days I need a quick breakfast.

So just say "No" to breakfast from a fast food restaurant!

Goal 2 of drinking no soda went better than expected. I did fudge on Monday when I wasn't really thinking about what I was ordering but I haven't had any since then. I have been drinking a lot more water which I'm happy about.

So, along with keeping those two goals going for this week, I am adding a new one.  This weeks goal is to eat the lunch I brought to work. There are two points to this goal: 1, I tend to eat less calories when I plan my meals out at home and 2, I save money that way too! I'm guilty of something sneaky though. I sometimes will bring lunch to work from home only not to actually eat it for lunch. It will sit in the fridge at work while I head across the street to Subway.

I worry that this is going to be the hardest goal so far. Probably because I know I throw every excuse on the table when it comes to my lunch time. I'm just starting to think going out for lunch should be a treat.

To make sure I reach this goal I want to make sure I have an action plan. So the plan started today. I took some time this afternoon to cut up carrots, celery and a bell pepper that I had in the fridge. I also pre-cut some lettuce for salads. There is a bunch of lasagna left over from dinner last Thursday that I will probably be eating for the next few days. I just want to make sure I have my lunch packed the night before because I tend to be short on time in the morning before work (because I lay around in bed). I also need to make sure there are lunch foods in the house.

So here goes week 3!

Just Walk Away

I promised this entry for Monday but the week really got away from me.

Last weekend my hubby was out of town on a short cabin weekend with his buddy. It was nice to have the house to myself and I was able to get a lot done. One of the projects was to get some grocery shopping completed. I make a list like usual. I bought most of the things on the list. While I was searching the shelves for some items, I came across some things I knew I had coupons for, some of them not so healthy. I took the time to read the nutrition labels and then put them back on the shelve. I picked up other items that I was craving and didn't really need. There was the moment my hand was on a box of doughnuts. I put them back down and walked way. A moment later, I found myself at the freezer case, eying the Eggos. I walked way. I even managed to walk down the candy isle without picking up a single bag. I was feeling pretty proud of myself when I walked out of that store.

It was a good shopping trip.

What's 80 Days from Today?

Christmas! Why is it that I am already starting to count down to Christmas? I counted today. There are 80 shopping days, 12 weeks and six paychecks until the fated Holiday. I must start shopping now because I usually wait until the last minute and I'm just so stressed. I am so stressed I am uninspired  to find great ideas for gifts.

I started thinking about how far away Christmas was because I want to set a new goal for myself every week leading up to the Holiday. I am almost to the end of goal week 2. I did fudge up a bit on Monday when I went through the Culvers drive thru after a stressful day at work. Without thinking, I ordered a snack pack which a Diet Coke! I briefly had an "oh fudge!" moment while I was sucking on the straw. I drank it, all of the small soda and I haven't had one since. I also still have had breakfast at home every day. I almost slipped up this morning . It has been a tradition, in the past, for when I have an early morning doctors appointment, I would usually pick something up on my way to work. I almost stopped at Panera. I even went out of my way to get there and I made myself keep driving.

I'm pretty proud of myself. Next week's goal will be announced on Sunday. I'm worried about this one.

By the way, I lost 3 lbs from last week!

Goal 2 - Soda Free

I just remembered it is Sunday and I said I would be posting a new goal for the week on Sunday.

Last week's goal was to eat breakfast at home every day and I did complete that. Friday was really hard for me because I was really craving a McDonald's breakfast burrito. Two things, if I dont leave myself enough time to go there, I won't go. Second, if I eat at home, I will usually run out of time to go there so I won't go then either. So I made sure I ate breakfast at home. Some days it was Cheerios, other days it was a whole wheat english muffin with peanut butter (my go to work out food). I did it.

So what is my goal for this week? I am making a goal to eliminate soda for the week. I'm still going to keep my word of not going to McDonalds for a breakfast sandwich. I haven't had any soda in two days and I'm feeling the effects of it right now with a headache from the caffeine withdrawal. I know I will feel tired for a few days. I have really been upping my water intake. I've gone without caffeine before, for Lent one year I gave it up. But I have never fully given up pop for more than a day or so. This will be an interesting adventure.

1. Eat breakfast at home every day
2. No soda